Sometimes integration is initiated by a meltdown. When it is, it’s a sure sign that it’s time to pay attention to whatever has been ignored. That’s what’s been going on for me in the last couple of weeks, and I didn’t fully realize it until yesterday.
The catalyst for this opportunity to integrate more fully is the current pandemic. The specific topic: the theories which are painting the current situation as a battle between good and evil (aka conspiracy theories), which have found traction with people I would have never imagined would be drawn in by their appeal. Colleagues, friends, members of our community, and people I respect and admire.
This dynamic has been really upsetting and challenging for me on many different levels. Yesterday it culminated in me melting down in session with a long-time client. The absolute last place I would ever want my noise and lack of integration to show up.
I was so upset. First by being identified with all the stuff that was triggering my disempowered separate self, and then by being horrified by my behavior.
To her credit, my client didn’t hang up, even though she was very upset by my behavior (rightly so). Instead of getting a witness to support her in her process, she got an unintegrated and triggered person who was angry and scared, fully identified in his disempowered separate self, trying to justify and explain why what she had been working through simply wasn’t real. No listening, just an outright attack on the validity of things which she had already worked through and was wanting to reflect on for a few minutes.
Because of her absolute presence and grace, she stayed engaged as I started to realize what I had done and take responsibility, and apologize, and acknowledge, and . . .
As the layers of separation melted away, I started to clearly see all the invisible trip hazards and bear traps of my unintegrated disempowered separate self, and how they have been enlivened in ways never before encountered in recent weeks.
This dynamic of thinking I’ve got to resist something that is upsetting to me has happened before. In 2009 and 2010 I was part of a spiritual networking group here in Fort Collins. An organization swept through town (and around the world) with an approach to spirituality that resonated with a lot of people. I watched as the people who became active with this group disembodied so radically that the light in their eyes started to fade out completely. From my perspective, it was like watching people become zombies, energetically and spiritually. They became unwitting participants in spreading implants and zombifying those they drew into the organization. It may sound like I’m exaggerating this by the way I’m talking about it, but that’s really what it looked like to me. It wasn’t a remote experience for me – I watched first-hand as people who had been vibrant and engaged became empty shells of their former selves.
I was so upset about it that I found other people in the community who recognized the same dynamic and we started meeting as a group to discuss what we were going to do about this organization. How we were going to resist and shine the light.
After one such meeting, I had what felt like a strange epiphany at the time, because I was putting so much energy into resisting: Is this what God put me here for? To focus my energy on resisting another organization and their teachings? The clear answer to this question was a resounding no.
I asked myself: What’s going on here, Ken?
I started realizing that what was so upsetting to me, aside from the dynamic I’ve already described, was that this organization was pulling people into a deeper state of separation. They were masquerading as teachers of the truth and light bearers. The initial premises of their approach were grounded in completely reasonable assumptions and spiritual approaches, but from these initial insights, grew something so comprehensively distorted that it upset me profoundly.
I began to realize that the upset I was feeling, was my own distortion, which originated in the stage of consciousness that saw what they were doing as evil. When I pulled back and considered the entirety of the world or the cosmos, and wasn’t identified with my disempowered separate self, I could see that although their work was about moving people into separation, no move into separation is ever a one-way journey. Separation is ultimately, in the scope of the soul’s journey, a point of contrast which illuminates the path back to wholeness. Back to the Divine. I could see that everything was held within the divine field, including this organization. And the resonance the people who felt drawn to their teachings, served them in their journey. It was exactly what they needed.
This distilled set of insights took me years to discover. Following the meeting when I had the epiphany, I trusted the feedback I received about the fundamental question (is this what I’m meant to be doing, God?) and moved on. I realized my upset was pointing towards an opportunity for me to integrate something still held in separation. But the awareness took a long time to embody and included deep work around loving everyone and everything as much as I love God. This organization became an exemplar for something I was repulsed by, even though I recognized that they are simply an aspect of me. Nothing is separate. Nothing.
Clearly this work is ongoing. Something I would have gladly acknowledged prior to the virus. Yet had you asked me if I had embodied the lessons from this period in my development as a spiritual messenger I would have responded with enthusiasm: YES!
So, what’s going on here, Ken?
Separation is so darn seductive. Just as these theories of disempowerment are a seductive opportunity for the empowered separate self to be off the hook as for why experiences of being victimized are once again entering one’s life experience, so too, getting upset about the theories is a way for me to respond to the same exact dynamic.
But there’s something deeper going on in me around this, and it’s being influenced by another artifact of separation. Despite knowing deeply (I would have said I was embodied in this truth) that my job – my role in the world – is to support others in deepening their relationship and experience of the Divine (by whatever name) in ways that are meaningful to them, somehow over the last couple of months, I have become attached to the idea that the things I’m teaching are somehow important, or even essential.
In the introduction to my book, I clearly say: I’m offering the truth as I perceive it, in support of your journey to discover the truth as you perceive, most essentially in the intimacy of your relationship with the Divine. I offer this structure as a temporary scaffolding that you may enter and experience the temple of the indwelling of God’s presence already within you, that then the scaffolding may then fall away.
Go wherever this takes you, and honor what comes up for you as a result. Yet this past weekend I was so upset to see someone (in response to my aggressive post on social media opposing the conspiracies) use some of my own teachings to justify their perception that the conspiracies are real.
OK – acknowledging this attachment and expression of my separate self and noticing where that energy is expressing opens a doorway to deeper integration and embodiment. That’s good.
But there’s some even deeper stuff going on here. Much deeper. That attachment was simply a can of gasoline left out to explode in a forest fire that was already raging within me.
What’s the forest fire? Where is my shadow showing up and creating the illusion of an external dynamic out in the world for me to resist?
I’m sure it’s a question that will continue to deliver insights and awareness for a long time to come. The awareness I have now relates to “other” lifetimes where I have expressed as a genocidal maniac and master manipulator, and the originator of conspiracies in the context of a pandemic, where I denied and spread lies. I’m sure there’s at least another expression where I was (am) the source of the dark teachings and moving my community further into separation. In all cases I was (am) the cause of much suffering.
If it’s not clear, I’m simply attempting to put into language a reality that is unfolding for me now: all these “separate” lifetimes are integrating now. Eventually, even time is an artifact of the illusion of separation.
I have been scared of these expressions, and resisting them internally, rather than welcoming everything and anything still held in separation.
If you had asked me: Ken is your identity wrapped up in who you’re connected with, I would have said NO! Not true, as evidenced by how upset I’ve been over the last couple of weeks as I discovered who has is supporting and advocating the various disempowered approaches to explaining what is going on. What originally came in as anger and agitation became a deep sadness. Not of an identify compromised, but in the needless suffering I perceive these people are engaging with, through these ways of understanding and explaining what’s happening.
Yet we each get to walk our own path. Which may sound like I’m saying, if you’re not walking my path you are suffering. But clearly that’s not the case, as I’ve been sharing with you. I have been suffering. And in “other” lifetimes, I have created and caused massive amounts of suffering. Yesterday in session I caused a lot of suffering.
I’m saying, we all are doing the best we can. And the things that resonate, resonate. And if what I’ve taught or am teaching inspires resonance with a world view that doesn’t resonate with me, does that really mean anything? Aren’t we all individual expressions of the One? Each of us with our own central nervous system which interprets everything slightly differently? Each life lived, delivering whatever insights and perspective has been delivered to you. Even if we were identical twins, we still wouldn’t perceive everything exactly the same.
Your body is one whole, yet if you ask your feet how to avoid stepping in shit, they’ll have a different answer than your hands, which unless they’re on the ground don’t ever concern themselves with this question.
We all have to work through the stuff that’s coming up for attention right now. But even if you don’t have stuff coming up, I do. And it’s definitely time for me to integrate all of this. How can I be so sure? I had an epic meltdown.
We’re each doing the best we can, all held within the vessel of God’s creation, the same as every other person, the same as everything.
As much fun as it is to explore with words and try to explain the structure God has given me to teach, that somehow tries to explain our spiritual journey, and the gifts God expresses through me, the structure itself is temporary at best. It’s not the point.
Embodying your soul is not the ultimate point. Going Beneath the Sand isn’t the point. Surrender isn’t the point. The point is the experience of what follows . . . for you: an experience of who you are underneath all the noise. And only you can say what that is for you. And only you can choose the best path for yourself. Doesn’t really matter what I think is best. If you’re interested to know what I think, I’ll tell you, now with a larger dose of humility than ever before.
But if I could do only one thing with you, it wouldn’t be to teach you or explain anything. It wouldn’t be to answer your questions. It would be to sit with you in silence. In that space is something for which there are no words.
All of this noise began when I started to be concerned that by saying nothing, I was tacitly agreeing with what was being shared by friends and colleagues and others on social media. Had I been more integrated, I could have simply said: I don’t agree with these ways of interpreting what’s going on right now. I don’t see us locked in a battle between good and evil. I think there’s another way to interpret what’s happening that isn’t about becoming identified with the disempowered separate self. I’m happy to share more if you’re interested. God is good. And so are you.
That’s it for this week . . . From My Heart.
Always in God’s Love and Presence, Further Into the Mystery—All the More Extraordinary with You!
PS – The following resources are available to support your spiritual work this week:
Monday’s spiritual FAQ video Confusion about Consciousness (where you can hear me struggle with the tension that exploded yesterday when I talk about facts and how they exist in each stage of consciousness no matter what. How could this even be true?? Yet there I am saying this on Monday): https://youtu.be/j58452QA_50
Today’s free group session, including Chakra Tuning, live at 5p Eastern (US) on YouTube: https://youtu.be/j0wZHUpBdNs
Last Friday’s Spiritual Messenger Tidbit (on how to quickly shift your energy to be more effective in sharing your gifts): https://youtu.be/9kKLBVCw6D8
The Deep Dive Virtual Workshop Series: https://kenwstone.com/deep-dive/