I was a crappy dad – From My Heart #11

Ken W. Stone,
“The Soul Archaeologist”

Internationally Recognized Spiritual Teacher and Healer, and Creator of the Transformational Beneath the Sand Program

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I was a crappy dad – From My Heart #11

Jun

1

2011

Ken W Stone

I’ve been really struggling to find my authentic
voice in my written communication with you. It’s
all too easy to get caught up with a facade of
what I think I should be, instead of who I am.

Here’s who I am: A wonderful loving human
being – a flawed man, learning my way and in
the same soup that you’re in, trying to figure
it out one step at a time. I’m a recovering
Type-A personality, with lots of extra Driver
thrown in. I look like a retired football player
– I’m a BIG guy. I’m a goofy person. When
people meet me they say “YOU’RE Ken Stone?!”

That always makes me laugh. I think most
people are expecting someone who “looks the
part of a spiritual facilitator” – instead it’s
me they see. I’m a very average, big, goofy
guy, who likes to be silly and laugh. I have
a really loud laugh, by the way. Quick story:
After I graduated High School I worked at the
dinner theatre in Boulder, Colorado (US) doing
sound. The cast used to try to get me to laugh
because of my guffaw. My laugh made them
laugh.

Anyway, I’ve been really thinking about sharing
with you some of my own personal
transformation. I’m always sharing client
transformations, but never my own. Here goes
in my authentic and vulnerable voice … From
My Heart:

I was a crappy dad. As I write this my girls are
nine and six years old. Four years ago (and for
years before that) I was really unhappy in my
life on so many different levels. One of the
symptoms of my unhappiness was that I
couldn’t figure out how to be present …
with my kids. I could tell at some level that
my kids needed me to be present when I was
with them.

But I couldn’t do it. So I showed
up as an annoyed father. Never time to sit
down and just be with them. I was short with
them – had unrealistic expectations for their
behavior – the list goes on and on. I was a
pretty miserable person inside – and that came
out big time in the ways I interacted with my
kids. It’s been really hard for me to forgive
myself for how I behaved with them, and how
I didn’t show up for the first part of their young
lives.

Thing started to change internally in August
of 2007 when I meditated for the first time.
As you may have heard me say before, my
assistant in my mortgage practice started
calling me Zen Ken. But the fact that my
Type-A Driver personality was dialing back
at work didn’t translate through with my kids.

And a month later when I was told I should
be working as a healer – that didn’t really
change things either. Nor did the work that
started to do in 2008 and 2009. Sure, I
was more capable of being present, and
slowly but surely I was becoming a better
dad, but I hadn’t yet unwound all the way
– if that language makes sense to you.

It wasn’t until I saw a picture of how everything
fits together energetically or spiritually – and
from this understood more work in a much
more complete way – including what I would
be doing with my clients going forward that
things started to change. From this picture
i had last fall – now known as Going Beneath
the Sand – I was able to understand how to
teach and facilitate a specific process for other
people – and that gave me a process to do
for myself.

Only once I started doing this
process on a regularly basis did I unwind all
the way. And I’d love to tell you that this
change was instant. It was on many levels.
But as I look back on it now, I see that it
was really after a month or two of regularly
practicing this process, that I really became
more capable of being present completely
with my kids. The inward transformation
over time became more complete, and started
to show up in my outward life in lots of
different ways – including with my kids.

There are many small steps that have gone
into this, of course. Last year, I started doing
“Date Night” with my daughters each week.
It’s always one on one – so tonight I’m with
Emma – next week with Riley. Wednesday
nights are sacred for me. And there were
many other changes over the last three years.

Now, on the weekends and weekdays when
I have my kids, I only focus on them (at
least as much as possible). Before I would
work and hope they could entertain themselves
– focusing on them in very limited moments.
Now it’s the opposite. We play together and I
am much more completely present most of the
time, working only in very limited instances.

This is but a small glimpse into my own
transformation. It began not even four years
ago – and started accelerating the more I focused
on my inward game. The more tools and processes
that came in for my clients, and the more I used
them for myself, the more my outward experience
has become happier and more full of joy. And
once the keystone was put in place with Beneath
the Sand, I was able to unlock for others – and
myself, the place inside where I experience
myself as whole – as part of a process. Predictable,
reliable, transformative. Once I implemented
this process in my daily practice, I finally unwound
all the way. And one practical outward sign of
that for me has been being able to – indeed
excited to show up for – and be present with
my daughters.

If I can do it, you can too.

From my heart, with a new more authentic voice
– there’s a little bit about my own transformation.

I’d love to hear from you. You can email
me – or you can go to my new blog – and
comment there. I’d love to hear about all
the amazing ways you show up as a human
in your life -and your flaws. And how you’ve
transformed, and how that’s impacted your
life.

http://www.myhighestself.com/blog/

I’m so grateful we’re connected this way!

Peace,

Ken