On the Edge — From My Heart
Have you been living on the edge lately?
You know, that place where you’re stepping into your fear constantly – living from a completely vulnerable and authentic place.
Living on the edge typically requires taking risks and setting aside our deepest fears of rejection. That’s certainly been my experience of it.
Good things happen when we live our lives on the edge.
It’s not just about building the muscle of stepping into the unknown (though this is a powerful benefit).
It’s about experiencing what happens when we move out of our comfort zone into a more vulnerable and authentic space.
Are there areas where you could move closer to the edge in your life right now?
I had some insight earlier in the week about where I can move closer the edge.
My epiphany came with dueling emotions:
I was overcome with tears for the recognition of a deep truth and experience of Divine Resonance that I have not spoken about with more than a handful of people.
And fear. That if I step up to the edge to open up and share vulnerably, I would be rejected or shunned.
The last time I stepped to the edge was when I offered my first retreat this past summer.
The edge of offering my retreat seems like nothing compared to this edge.
I used to be quite practiced in the art of stepping to the edge.
Lin David Martin told me I should be working as a healer in September of 2007 (we were both participants in a meditation retreat). And with his comments I stepped out towards the edge.
In January of ’08 I worked on someone for the first time.
In July of ’08 I worked on someone I didn’t know for the first time.
By the end of that year I had already worked on people around the world (I remember my first Skype session with a woman in Taiwan – I could hear small planes flying by her flat while we were in session).
On the one hand it was organic (opportunities just kept falling in my lap). On the other, I kept saying yes, and stepping to the edge.
And deeper and deeper experiences of Divine Resonance kept showing up in my life.
I remember going through a series of lunches with good friends, colleagues, and strategic partners (from my mortgage practice) in the spring of 2009.
I had been living two lives.
During the day I was a mortgage lender.
At night I was an energy healer.
My public persona was not who I was beginning to understand myself to be.
I stepped to the edge to close the gap, sitting down over lunch to explain what was going on in my life.
I remember one lunch in particular – a meeting with a friend of mine who was a financial planner.
When I explained what was happening, he asked me if I had accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.
I responded no, but that I had a very close relationship with Jesus.
This was one of very few times that I’ve talked about Jesus since first becoming aware of my purpose.
I was in session yesterday morning with a long-time client and friend.
She made reference to something about Jesus and paused.
Without missing a beat I commented on the example that Jesus, the Buddha, Muhammad, and others have given us of what it is to be the embodied Divine.
We spoke for a few minutes more and then she commented about being hesitant to talk about Jesus – for fear that whomever she’s speaking with might respond in a polarized manner.
We spoke further about the example of Jesus.
Then I asked her: have I ever told you who makes my hands and feet buzz?
Tears were rolling down my face as I asked her this question (as they are now, as I write this to you).
She answered no.
When we step to the edge, we are forced to confront our deepest fears.
If I tell you that I’m a spiritual healer what will you think of me?
What will my family think?
Will I be rejected by my friends?
Will some suggest I should be locked up in the local psych ward?
All these questions – and more – I visited regularly back between 2008 and 2010.
I’ve revisited some of these questions again over the last day.
Every time I stepped to the edge, I found a new, more fully authentic place from which to live my life.
I absolutely had that experience with the retreat. After waiting more than two years to put it together (so many wonderful fears to confront!) I joined nine extraordinary women at Gramercy Mansion (near Baltimore – US) in early November this past year.
I came away from the retreat feeling more connected to my true nature than ever before – completely comfortable sharing it freely throughout the entire experience.
Yet I seem to have stepped away from the practice of regularly stepping up to the edge. With greater self-love and acceptance has come complacency.
I discovered the source of my buzzing hands and feet in November of 2009.
I went to a guided meditation where participants would meet their guides.
I didn’t have a clue who my guides were.
I knew that when I worked with a client amazing stuff happened. I felt I was witnessing the hand of God at work.
But I really didn’t have any conscious awareness of what was happening, or who might be involved in supporting or facilitating what was happening.
I just knew what it felt like to be witnessing Divine Resonance.
And amazing things always came from that place: insights, awareness, and transformation on every level for the other, and for me.
My eyes were closed, and I was in the middle of being introduced to my guides.
I was having this experience with an energy with a very strong, intimate, brother-like bond.
Rolling around in the grass in an embrace I can’t recall ever experiencing with another man before in my life.
Then we were directed to the staircase where the Divine Feminine (Mary Magdalene) was walking down with the Divine Masculine (Jesus). But Jesus wasn’t there on the stairs.
I remember thinking “Ohhh SHIT – does that mean he’s here next to me???!!!”
So I turn to him with tears running down my face, sobbing, and asked – is that you?
My whole body buzzed (yes!) in a way it never had before.
Crying harder I asked: Are you the one who makes my body buzz when I’m doing healing work?
My whole being buzzed YES even more emphatically.
There I am sobbing, completely overcome with emotion and in the back of my mind comes this thought: I can never tell anyone – they’ll think I’m crazy.
[Note: in the days following, I recognized that the ascended masters aren’t specifically with one person or another. Indeed, we are ALL one.]
I remember a couple of years ago having a conversation with a good friend about vulnerability in communication – and the balance between having your message dialed in – and over sharing.
I wondered out loud to him if I should share about Jesus in my hands and feet.
His response: “NO!” Besides he said, “you think it’s Jesus because that’s how your mind is interpreting that energy (based on how you grew up and culture you live in). Others will not be able to hear your message or receive your gifts if you talk about this.”
[Note: as below – so above. See how his comments mirror some (all?) of my own concerns?]
I wouldn’t have shared this were it not for a session yesterday morning with an amazing woman.
I cried, then sobbed as I shared some of these things.
And was reminded of how important it is to step up to the edge and live my life in that place – vulnerable and authentic.
And as I was having that thought I started to realize that I would be sharing this with you this week.
You wanna laugh with me?
I tried to start at least 4 other From My Hearts with other topics.
I worked really hard to avoid sharing this.
But those weren’t From My Heart – they were from my head. I couldn’t write more than a few sentences. No resonance with my attempts to distract from this message, this week.
So there you have it.
I’m standing before you now completely naked.
And reassured that this is exactly what I was supposed to share with you. My tears opened the door to greater authenticity. And greater authenticity leads to greater resonance.
I invite you to see me for who I am. Flaws, fears, and all.
Surrendering into greater resonance.
That’s it for this week … From My Heart.
PS – However you may perceive me, don’t forget to look in the mirror and see the Divine within you. No matter what you’ve done to others, or what’s been done to you: there is no way for you to sever that which is most essential: the Divine is within … you.
The Soul Archaeologist
Experience the Divine Within