Cracked Open — From My Heart
Since I work “in the business” I like to think that I’m constantly open to deeper experience of myself, the Divine, and others.
This past week I found myself thinking I didn’t need to have a deeper experience – and just when I thought I had confirmed this “truth” – I was cracked wide open in a way that still has me reeling.
Last week, I attended my good friend Christine Kloser’s Transformational Author Breakthrough event in Baltimore, Maryland.
I got to share time with a number of people from the retreat I attended with Christine back in early 2012. So good to reconnect with my soul family – both those I already knew – and those I was just meeting for the first time on this part of my journey!
It was a wonderful event!!
Monday Christine invited me to do a group healing session towards the end of the day. It’s always a special thing to do group work in person – and with more than 100 spiritually focused people, it was an amazing experience!!
Tuesday was full of wonderful writing exercises and exchanges with other participants.
Others were getting cracked open left and right. Big breakthroughs and new awareness was rolling throughout the day.
I’m sitting there thinking – yep, I’ve done my work. Makes sense that others are getting cracked wide open. I’ve done that before – but I don’t need that this time. I’m here to support them in cracking … but not to be cracked.
I was wrong.
Wednesday – the final day.
I remember a wonderful lunch with a group of women who had lots of questions about a program Christine was launching, lots of laughing and great connection.
Then the afternoon session …
Christine invites us to write a thank you note to ourselves for coming to this event.
I meditate for a while.
And then …
Words start flowing out of my pen onto my journal.
I don’t know where they’re coming from – yet some part of me knows exactly where they are coming from.
I am crying – and the words are flowing.
I finish, and then I reread what has appeared on the page.
I can’t stop crying.
The exercise ends and Christine says “now get together in pairs and share what you’ve written.”
The first thought through my head is “HELL NO!”
I can barely keep it together reading this letter to myself – much less sharing it with someone else.
The entire room pairs up in a matter of seconds and I look around. Seeing no one I stand – so if anyone is available they will know I’m free.
I look over and Mary is getting up to come to me.
Mary who found me on the morning of first day and thanked me for my work, sharing that she had been on the line for the Summer Solstice healing session I did in June. She reminds me that we exchanged email following the event – and thanks me for this. I am humbled to meet her and hear her words in person.
Mary whose husband Peter found me just that morning at breakfast to say she was looking for me.
Mary whose wisdom and love begin in her eyes and radiate from there through her entire being.
Mary who could be my mother.
Am I going to be vulnerable with Mary and read this letter, or will I dodge the moment and make something up?
Can I be vulnerable with Mary and let my raw cracked open emotion be seen?
She sits down and I silently thank God for helping me to pull it together.
We talk animatedly for a few minutes and then the room grows silent.
I have shorter hair so I’m supposed to read my letter first.
The tears start flowing again and I read …
Thank you for the journey of these last 6 years. To celebrate the anniversary of 1st hearing about your gift by being in a room of transformation agents is profound and meaningful beyond words. And yet it is the words that in part connect you with your brothers and sisters in this room.
Thank you for stepping up to the plate when I called your name.
Thank you for letting go of what you though you knew about life to allow something new and extraordinary to express.
Thank you for making room for me in your life, for being witness to my presence in others and in yourself.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Breathe in and out.
Surrender and then receive me anew.
To be acknowledged, seen and witnessed was …
So profoundly powerful I wasn’t sure I could share it with you in this way – at least not this week.
To hear these words of love and acknowledgement from the Divine…
I would love to tell you that I have transcended any desire for acknowledgement. But this is not so. To be seen in this way felt … it is beyond words.]
To speak them to (mother) Mary was …
To be seen …
To be held as I sobbed …
For a mother to see and be with me in this way was new as an adult.
Cracked open and raw.
Will my parents ever see and acknowledge me as Mary has seen me? Will I ever be vulnerable enough to share this experience with them?
Will I ever allow myself to be seen at this depth against the backdrop of fear – of being rejected?
Is being seen by my parents – a desire that once over ran my entire life – still present within me after this extraordinary exchange with Mary?
Last week I met and angel named Mary.
I am connected to this beautiful woman in a way I could have never imagined.
Open to a deeper experience of the Divine within my body, within my life.
More at peace and at the same time more disoriented than I’ve been in a long time.
As I look back on this experience I realize I’m accepting I’ll never move beyond being cracked wide open. Even more, I welcome and embrace it. No matter how messy or uncomfortable.
The Divine is everywhere, working and moving through me – through you – through everyone.
And this last week I came closer to God (and my parents) through my time with 100+ agents of transformation, through my time with Christine, and through Mary.
That’s it for this week … From My Heart.
The Soul Archaeologist
Experience the Divine Within